My first long-time real-person “I’m-an-adult-now” job during my time at Stan State was a part-time custodial position at a local Turlockian church. I quite liked the job actually, and worked it for the first two years of my Undergrad. It was nice and made it much easier to pay the bills or go out to Main Street with friends on the weekends, and I’m very glad that I got the experience from it!

Yet, among the more interesting things that happened thanks to my transformation into the Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart of part-time janitors, was the unexpected side-effect that I spent a great deal of time thinking about toilets.

Therefore, as a former custodian, I feel that I’m qualified to present to you my professional opinion on what I believe to be the top three bathrooms of Stanislaus State University:

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3. Naraghi Hall of Science Bathrooms (second floor)

You learn things being a custodian. Things such as what the most important aspects of a good bathroom are. While the second-floor Naraghi Hall of Science restrooms may not have one aspect in particular that they excel at, they are a perfectly comfortable blend of all the most vital aspects.

These bathrooms are centrally located on campus, across the way from the old bookstore, a hop skip and a jump from the quad, and near to just about every second language class, math class, or science class that will be held for undergraduate students.

Not only do these bathrooms have a rigorous cleaning schedule and modern stylings, but the second floor bathrooms in particular have an excellent view of the first floor after you exit or while you wait outside for the staff to finish their cleaning. Sometimes, the best thing one can ask for in a bathroom, is simply that nothing is left wanting. These restrooms leave nothing to be desired.

10 out of 10. Bathrooms check every requirement.

 

2. University Art Gallery Restrooms (Theatre building lobby)

One of the aspects of good bathrooms, and one that is actually a little bit of an industry secret (don’t let anyone know that I’m the one who told you) is that the atmosphere and aura of a bathroom can be just as pivotal to its success as other more obvious aspects.

Can one truly claim to be a student of Stanislaus without having used the Theatre ground floor restrooms? I’m not sure if one can. I’ve previously advocated for the duality of Stanislaus in having the vibes of both a small town and a big-city school, and the restrooms across the lobby hall from the University Art Gallery are the pinnacle examples of big-city school atmosphere.

What better feeling can you have than the experience felt after exiting a restroom and walking straight into an art gallery? You will feel not just the wonderful solidarity that accompanies appreciating and supporting the artistry of your peers, but also as if you are the fanciest of all peoples. “Yes yes,” you will say, “I don’t ever feel as if I’ve fully relieved myself unless I’m able to conveniently appreciate artwork by walking less than fifteen paces away from my porrrrcelain thrrrone” (you will roll your r’s after using these facilities, they’re that fancy).

10 out of 10. Bathrooms create the perfect vogue aesthetic.

 

1. Al-Brenda all-weather track Restrooms (behind the bleachers)

But naturally, as you likely have already guessed, the number one important aspect to a bathroom’s excellence is its pure unadulterated utility. And unlike other Stan State bathrooms that have earned their placement on this prestigious list, the Al-Brenda restrooms earn its placement and it’s sweeping first prize by utility and utility alone.

Dear readers, if you have ever finished running your fastest mile time in your life on the Al-Brenda track, you will find the sweat on your forehead hot to the touch, your lungs will be so full and expanded that you empathize with balloons, and your vision will be spotty with bright lights from exertion.

It is in this moment of great need that you will fall on your knees and thank the Al-Brenda bathrooms simply for existing. The two exterior drinking fountains alone are a life saver, and if it’s not enough refreshment for you there then you can stumble into the bathrooms themselves, forgetting to turn the lights on due to your single-minded exhaustion, and stick your head into the sink and get dangerously close to water-boarding yourself as you splash the cool refreshing life-giving water onto your face and half of your shirt.

10 out of 10. Bathroom (hyperbolically) saved my life.

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And thus, Nathan’s long pined for secret of the top 3 Stan State bathrooms is finally revealed. Use this information wisely. With great power comes great responsibility, after all.

But Remember! No bathroom would be given any accords without an excellent custodial staff! So if you ever find yourself walking around Stanislaus campus, be sure to be friendly and thank your facility workers!