Buckle up everyone, because I’m about to open up your eyes.

Titus. You know him. You love him.

Look at him, strong and muscular, proudly adorned in the wardrobe of a proper Spartan warrior, bringing cheer and joy to all those Stanislaus students at sporting events and club rushes and the like.

But doesn’t it seem strange that someone in the outfit and physique of a Spartan warrior is still alive and kicking in the modern day?

If the average lifespan of a human is somewhere below 100 years, and if the Roman/Byzantine empire fell in the mid 1400’s, then don’t you think it’s a tad bit strange that Titus still has his original mint condition uniform and cape?

Well, I have a theory.

One of the reasons why Roman mythology and culture is so connected to our own modern day thought, is that we have lots of surviving records of the Roman empire. They wrote down so much in fact, that their writings eventually sparked the Renaissance and the transition out of the Dark Ages when scholars studied ancient Roman texts and philosophies.

But in a world where we have censuses, military movements, and philosophical thought all documented, there’s one particular group of people that just vanished into thin air, disappearing from all documentation.

Colloquially known as The Lost Roman Legion, “Legio novem Hispana” has over two hundred years of documentation to it. We know what battles it fought in, where they were during major military movements, and that it was an important facet to the Roman military, until the year Common Era 120, where they simply disappeared from the records with no explanation.

The Lost Roman Legion captured cultural consciousness in the 1950’s and scholars and fiction writers alike theorized on what could have happened to the illustrious legion. Were they defeated in the battles of Scotland? Did they defect as part of a crumbling infrastructure in the empire? Or did they learn to harness elemental forces and become wizards as is fictionalized in the 2006 fantasy series Codex Alera?

But if you ask me, I think they found the fountain of youth. They retired, spread out across the world, became mascots, and brought cheer to Stanislaus sporting events.

Is it so unlikely that Titus could be a secretly immortal being who has spent the last 19,000 years hopping around from college to college, acting as the heart of campus life, bringing joy and enthusiasm to young people’s learning minds from everywhere from The University of North Carolina to Michigan State to STANISLAUS???

And ask yourself this, have you ever truly seen Titus age?

I can’t say much more without them catching on to me.

Keep your eyes and ears open, don’t let them feed you lies! We are college students! We exist for truth!

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(Tune in to KCSS 91.9fm for a chance of hearing me voice a thought piece along the same theme as this post!)